The big black dog

Today has been a blur.

I got up, made breakfast and went to work as usual. But today hasn’t been a normal day. I woke up to messages from friends in different time zones telling me how a high school friend of ours had passed away suddenly the day before.

Death is an incredibly difficult thing for the mind to process. How can somebody you’ve known for years suddenly cease to exist? Their online footprint still exists, their photos and their messages. But they themselves, they just disappear into thin air leaving behind family and friends, all those years of living, memories, connections, knowledge and experiences. It all just becomes a distant memory. Did it ever mean anything? Will it mean anything now?

You start talking about the person in the past tense. It doesn’t seem real. That person is no longer something tangible that you can reach out to. They simply don’t exist anymore. You wish you could talk to them and ask them why they would do something like this. How could they possibly be feeling so low, so worthless, so deep in a depression to think there was no other way out.

Suicide is very final.

The word has a bitter taste to it. It carries a multitude of misunderstandings and connotations. There’s a certain shame and stigma attached to depression, suicide and mental illness that needs to be eradicated completely.

It’s a different kind of sadness you feel when someone you know commits suicide. It’s not like a natural death where the person was either old, sick or you had some time to get used to the idea of losing them. No, when a death is sudden and self inflicted there’s another level of grief – it’s a tragedy. The people they leave behind are now the victims of this debilitating disease. They are the ones left behind to pick up the pieces. At its worst, depression can be a scary, isolating condition. There are millions of people around the world who live with depression and many of these people and their families are afraid to speak out about their struggles, and don’t know where to turn for help.

When you lose all joy in life you can begin to ask yourself what the point of it is. The word ‘selfish’ is commonly associated with suicide. But I’m not sure many of us could ever understand how a victim of suicide was truly feeling to be able to associate such a word.

There is so much misunderstanding surrounding depression and mental illness. Until you have been brushed by the black dog, you can’t imagine the dark place a person resides in, where taking their own life seems like the only escape. This big black dog, he’s sly and he’s very good at hiding. He comes out of nowhere, snarling, vicious and unforgiving. Depression is preventable and treatable but the toughest and most crucial step is recognising depression, seeking professional help and learning not to be afraid of the black dog. Rather than running away from your problems it’s better to embrace them.

Today I’ve been reminiscing with friends and reading over old messages where this person is confiding in me, talking to me about his depression and his broken relationships. It’s an odd feeling reading over old messages from my teenage self to this person that no longer walks this earth. I read over sentences from years back where I’m trying to be as supportive and give the best advice I can. But it’s not enough. It was never going to be enough. One message from him stood out to me..

“Do you have any idea what its like to wake up in the morning and be dissapointed that you’re still alive?”

This stings so much. There is always something to live for, always. There is so much joy in the world amongst all the hate and so many experiences waiting for you to seek them out. Being there for a friend is one thing, and a very important thing – but urging them to seek professional help is the most critical step to recovery and a life changing one.

I keep scrolling through our Facebook messages. *last active 2 days ago*

I miss you my old friend and I can’t quite believe you’re gone.

I may not ever completely understand, but I will always have my mind, my heart and my ears open to any one that is struggling with depression or mental illness. You should never, EVER feel alone or worthless or feel like there is no other way out of the darkness. There is ALWAYS another way.

Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light.

RIP A.

 

 

New Zealand National helplines

Need to talk? Free call or text 1737 any time for support from a trained counsellor.

Lifeline – 0800 543 354 or (09) 5222 999 within Auckland
Suicide Crisis Helpline – 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)
Healthline – 0800 611 116
Depression Helpline – 0800 111 757 or free text 4202 (to talk to a trained counsellor about how you are feeling or to ask any questions)